It's time.

This past summer has been one of transition for me, and the shift has not been an easy one. I've neglected things I should've focused on, gone down paths I never even should've looked at, and completely missed out on some very essential moments. (Oh, and developed a nervous disorder that completely rules my life. Stupid.)

But I feel it's time to grow up.

In doing some good, old-fashioned soul-searching, I realized that I've been clinging to my childhood---my irresponsible teenage years.
I wanted to stay in my groove, wanted to go to Neverland with Peter Pan, wanted to live in my past me.
The age groups I started hanging out with got younger and younger, the choices I made got more immature and more immature, my self-confidence zones got smaller and smaller, and I became more and more recalcitrant.
My family got ticked at me more often, my friends wondered what was wrong with me, and my sisters---two of the best women on God's green earth--started distrusting my choices of friends, music, clothing, and tastes.

Several of my friends, such as Beatrice, have been the type to become old before their time, grasping at small indications of their great maturity and advancement in life and clinging to them as reassurances of what was to come (much to my puerile annoyance and disgust).
I've never really longed for grownup things. I've always been happy to be the age I am. To enjoy each age as it comes to me and to be in the Now.
But now I understand. Not necessarily the desire to be older, to be included in "the older kids'" activities, or to wear clothes that assure people of my mature age. But I understand why. And I agree with that view, more than with the one I've held up till now.

I've slowly begun to realize that it's all got to change, and that the only thing that has been holding me back is fear--fear of change.
My own incapability and unpreparedness for age and all the responsibilities that come with it has been my only excuse. And it's a poor one. If I never attempt to step out into the next stage on my own, I'll never improve or overcome my incapability.

I want to grow up gracefully, though, like Brooke Premo. I don't want to lose life in my Life or stand with the over-old youths. I want to keep my childish zest, but add compassion, generosity, responsibility, wisdom, self-discipline, and discretion to it so that I may grow to be like the many good examples I have before me---my parents, my grandparents...actually, I don't think I'm going to start that list. It's much too long to finish.




Maybe it's the New Year approaching. Maybe it's the fact that I'll be 18 in a few weeks. Maybe it was the jolt I got 2 weeks ago.

But whatever it is...it hasn't come too soon.

I'm going to grow up now.

Am I scared? Very.
Do I think I'll make it? With God's help.
Will it hurt? Heck, yes.