before i die, i will master these

a human being should be able to  

change a diaper. 

plan an invasion. 

butcher a hog. 

steer a ship. 

design a building. 

write a sonnet. 

balance accounts. 

build a wall. 

set a bone. 

comfort the dying. 

take orders. 

give orders. 

cooperate. 

act alone. 

solve equations. 

analyze a new problem. 

pitch manure. 

program a computer. 

cook a tasty meal. 

fight efficiently. 

die gallantly. 

- robert heinlein

home

land where my fathers died

land of the pilgrims' pride

from every mountainside let freedom ring

What are you doing to celebrate?

I promise he doesn't know about domestic iniquity from experience.

Shafer just recently had to learn the preamble to the Constitution for school. Mama was quizzing him, and it went something like this.

Shafer: "..."

Mama: "We."

Shafer. "Oh, right. 'We'. 'We the people of the United States in order to form a more perfect union...'"

Mama: "Es...estab..."

Shafer. "Oh. Right. Establish justice..."

Mama: "Ins..."

Shafer: "Insure domestic iniquity..."

Needless to say, Mama made him work on it some more.

She needs to read the rest of the Bible

Aww, aren't they cute?

NO! You're wrong!

They're evil. 

They come into your home and think they can have full rein!

They die and leave their crunchy little carcasses right in the walkways!

Those are not the actions of something cute.

--Conversation with a Ladybug--

Me: "Um, hi, ma'am? What are y'all doing in my rooms?"

Ladybug (her name was Gloria): "We just came in here to hibernate for the winter, woman. You got a problem?"

  

Me: "You don't have very good manners for a ladybug."

Gloria: "Um...that's because I'm an Asian Lady Beetle, ignoramus."

Me: "Oh...well...even so."

Gloria: "Ahem...you were saying?"

Me: "Oh, sorry. No, it's fine that y'all are here, but do you think you could tell your family to quit dying right where I have to walk? It's kinda gross to step on them."

Gloria: "You're stepping on my cousins' bodies?!?! How can you be so crass?! How can you desecrate the dead like that?! Go around them, Big-Foot!"

Me: "I'm sorry! They're just so small, and when it's dark, I can't...really...see...them. Um...What do you plan to do about their funerals...burials...bodies...?"

Gloria: "Um...don't you read the Bible, heathen? It says, 'Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.' We just leave them. They'll disintegrate eventually. It's the best way."

Me: "But you expect people to step over them and not desecrate their bodies?"

Gloria: "Yep. I do. What are you gonna do about it?"

And with that, I promptly went and got the vacuum. I'm sorry, but I'm not about to take that much cheek from something so much smaller than I.

Recently on WECG

“I was chipping a piece of your father’s paint from that lovely Van Gogh when you loomed up in your nighty and shot me in the arm.” - How to Steal a Million

“Shh, or I’ll cut your hair in the night.” - Bright Star

“Biological whooping cough warfare.” – Tommy explaining how Hannah was killed by the Mafia.

“I don’t like calling them moles. How ‘bout uplifted freckles?” – Julia

“If I ran that place, it’d have to be called Monotone Hill.” – Justin about Harmony Hill.

“I’m pretty sure you throw parties for your eye-skin when nobody’s looking.” – Ethne because I kept telling her to quit stretching and pulling the skin under my eyes like a piece of pie dough.

Shafer (enthusiastically): “Look, Dalton! This guy has been feeding birds out of his hands for 25 years!”

Dalton (incredulously): “Nonstop??”

“You’re the flower of the family---a bloomin’ idiot.”

I want to walk through a field in Italy with George Emerson.

“It isn't possible to love and to part. You will ... wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.”

She could not understand him; the words were indeed remote. ... Yet as he spoke the darkness was withdrawn, veil after veil, and she saw to the bottom of her soul.


“Man has to pick up the use of his functions as he goes along—especially the function of Love”.

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily- that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve…

I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents…

Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either….

I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."

- Natalie Anne Erlanson

Amen

Incredibly true.

"Announcing your plans to others satisfies your self-identity just enough that you're less motivated to do the hard work needed. ... You have “identity symbols” in your brain that make your self-image. Since both actions and talk create symbols in your brain, talking satisfies the brain enough that it 'neglects the pursuit of further symbols.'"

O môr henion i dhû:
Ely siriar, êl síla.
Ai! Aníron Undómiel.

Tiro! Él eria e môr.
I 'lîr en êl luitha 'úren.
Ai! Aníron...

From darkness I understand the night:
Dreams flow, a star shines
Ah! I desire Evenstar.

Look! A star rises out of the darkness
The song of the star enchants my heart.
Ah! I desire...

.

.

.

Found in Molly's old mathbook.

"April 22, 2002

Eleanor (Me...duh) (10): 'Wouldn't it be funny if my husband called me Ellie, and his last name was Azar...'"


"April 21, 2002

Logan (12): '...y'know that singer, Grace Hill--"
Us (laughing): 'Not Grace! Faith!'
Logan: Ok, ok, Faith, Grace, Eternal Peace, whatever...'"

"April 18, 2002

Kathryn: 'If there was a really fat man--I mean really fat, with a BIG ol' fat gut, way out here (extends arms), and you shot 'im right here (pointing just left of belly button), you'd be killin' 'im right in the thick of things.'"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity...

...here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn
upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
heating."
(no way!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those
bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use
only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Dude. I've got Turkish earrings. Be envious.

On the way home this evening---

Logan (completely serious): "Silence, foolhardy buffoons!"

later...

Logan (again, completely serious): "Cease, of I shall pummel you with my bludgeon!"

In class today...

"Isn't that a Catholic thing...like if you weren't rinsed as a baby?" - said about Purgatory.

"I don't think people in Africa are that bad off 'cause they've gone without these things for so long, they don't know what they're missing." - said by the class Annoyance

"Big Foot is real, guys." - said by the class Gullible

"I'd rather face the Abominable Snow Man because he's fuzzy." - said by the class Pink Girl

"We discussed mythical monster reproduction in class today." - said by the teacher

What if Godzilla is the Loch Ness monster?" - said by the class Gullible


p.s. All this while Katie sniffed a magic marker.

Cheese

It’s amazing how a familiar smell can wrap you in its arms and cuddle away any ugly memories between now and the last time you smelt it.

- Lonely Tourist Charlotte Charles

Hilts. Just...make it Hilts.

Yes. Steve McQueen wore Persols.

"You know - I've been in some towns where the girls weren't all that pretty. In fact I've been in some towns where they're downright ugly. But it's the first time I've been in a town where there are no girls at all, 'cept little ones. "

Yes. Steve McQueen wore Ray Bans.

Vin: Reminds me of that fellow back home that fell off a ten story building.
Chris: What about him?
Vin: Well, as he was falling people on each floor kept hearing him say, "So far, so good." Tch... So far, so good!

The Cooler King.

"I don't know what it is. First time in my life I come to see a girl, I feel like I'm 14 years old. Even when I was 14, I didn't feel like that."

He's just too cool for you.

Bartlett: Virgil, isn't it?
Hilts: Hilts. Just make it Hilts.

Aaaaaand, I just like this picture 'cause he's a sailor. ;-)


p.s. Kids, even though it looks like the King of Cool is smoking, smoking is not cool.
Besides...those aren't cigarettes; he's just sucking on peppermint sticks. I promise.