::hides face in embarrassment::

yes, i realize that i've been in TX nearly a month and haven't posted once.

so much for sturdy resolves.

i don't really know where to begin, though. it's all running together in my mind and not making much sense.

first off, let me say that it's amazing to live 4 minutes from target, dsw, sephora, old navy, etc, etc...not that i've really taken advantage of that...but even just the knowledge is kinda cool. and i'm also just 8 minutes from a really nice outlet mall and an ikea (amazing!). and 2 minutes from HEB, the best grocery store in the world because of the incredibly tasty tortillas that they make in the store. you can buy them still warm. yum.

i promise that this blog won't degenerate into posts solely about cute things the little boys have said, but here are some kickers, all courtesy of Cord. 

"my tummy has a headache."

"Eleanor! do you want to come watch Sleeping Beauty and the Beast with me?!"

"pink is a serious color."

"i didn't know you back then because i was a little baby that drank milk all the time."

after some serious thought and consideration, i've decided to announce my dark secret.

i like candy corn.

in fact, i could easily become addicted.

thank God for a tight budget.

and don't judge me.

bust a move

I realize I haven't posted in quite some time. 

I have no excuses, and I'm not going to try to diagnose why I haven't. 

I will just say that I hope to be more consistent and regular this fall, because...

I'm going to be living in Texas till mid-December!

(Yes, I realize that bluebonnets won't be in season during my stay. 

And I don't think I'm going to be near very many longhorns...or just plain old cows for that matter. 

But you get the idea.)

Crazy, right? 

I know.

Plans for my future have changed so quickly and unexpectedly.

I've gotten a job (or rather, was offered a job) as a live-in nanny for my second cousin. 

She's got three adorable little boys (yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm not going to think they're so precious after living with them for two and a half months. To that I say, quoting Alfred, Batman's butler, "Nevah."), and I will be sitting them three days a week while she's and her husband are at work.

Also, I'll be about 45 minutes away from some of my best friends in the whole wide world, so hopefully I'll get to spend some time with them! Yay! 

This is new.

I didn't really ever think I'd leave home until I went to college, (and yes, I know that two and a half months away is not exactly "leaving home," but it's the closest I've ever come to it (and also, there's a good chance that I'll be going back next semester for a few months)), so I haven't had quite as much time to get used to the idea, but I'm very excited about it. 

Adventure! 

A little more independence and a good stretch of the wings! 

Especially since I'm (hopefully) going to be buying my first car from my [other] cousin. 

It's quite a delightful prospect. 

And hey, I can even call myself a Texan for a little while! 

{hat tip to Mama's home state}

Must get a cowgirl hat. 

Just kidding.

Anyway...

"Psh. Right, Eleanor. You're gonna post more regularly. Uh huh. Sure."

Yes. 

I will.

Why, you ask? 

Because I don't have a journal. 

And plus, even if I did have one, I probably wouldn't write in it. 

But I can type faster than I can write (a sad sign of the age we live in), and so I'm going to use Fiery to journal this new experience.

"Oh, great. We're gonna get every little detail about her life and every stupid bit of junk that passes through her mind."

Yep.

Pretty much.

Enjoy!

"well, it's sunny with a high of 75..."...wait...nope. more like 110.

i'm in Texas for two weeks.

Texas in August.

i think i just evaporated.

i wouldn't mind having a workroom like this.

My blog has hit an almost stagnant mode. 

But that's only because things in my life are very...non...stagnant. 

I'll try to post a good long post after things slow down a bit. 

I promise

I's cra'y cra'y, b!

I'm graduating. In two weeks. Hence the lack of postage.

Never fear. I'll return once all the excitement has died down. 

Butifyouwanttoreadathrillingstoryaboutabreakinandafuzzydog,gohere.

Snippets of Now...because I don't have time for anything more than a few snippets.

Thesis paper. 12 pages long. 'Nuff said.

Rilla of Ingleside. My escape.

Graduation pictures...somewhat fail...somewhat awesome.

Snow predicted. Phooey.

Graduation dress picking-out-time. Must. Find. Perfect. Dress. Or not.

Braces soon. Yay! Dork summer.

Harmony Hill anticipation. Too soon.

Red Badge of Courage. Blah.

Iron &  Wine discover. Love.

The Valley of...Indecision. Life after graduation.

Texas trip memory sustenance. Maybe they'll last till Harmony Hill.

Anthropologie open in Mtown! Woopee!

Sun, please come back. I love you and miss you.

Sleep...come to me. Thanks. Sincerely, Eleanor.

(and yes, the red, white, and blue is on purpose. it signifies liberty.)

Nix this. 

It's only 9 more Fridays of school for me, thank the Lord.

But that's still 9 more days of blech.


::Clarification::
I still have 12 more weeks of schoolwork. 
But only 9 (yes, 9. have you got that? only 9.) more days of actually going to school.

just wait till summer...

i'm planning an Up escape.

~we'll float just below the clouds and listen to Saltwater Room~

~we'll watch the patchwork world move past below us~

~we'll chat with some birds and make friends with the sun~

then...

~when we're ready to come down, we'll land on a cheery hill and put down our own patchwork~

~we'll turn our attention to the clouds we were just getting cosy with~

~we'll take a long walk down the hill toward the brilliant lake and watch the shadows grow up~

~we'll find a sailboat and go winding into the middle of nowhere~

then...

~when it's dark, we'll come back to solid ground and find your pickup~

~and while it turns Herbie and drives itself, we'll lie in the back on our patchwork~

~we'll shut out everything but the sound of the crickets and the wind~

~and when we end back up at the top of the hill, we'll climb into our little house, loosen it from its birch tree mooring, and float back up to sleep with the stars~

~we'll go somewhere only we know~

I do NOT feel like making myself be happy.
I do NOT feel like enjoying my day.
I do NOT feel like being nice to people.
I do NOT feel like finding good in everything.
I do NOT feel like sitting here alone.

I do NOT feel like writing a happy list.



But I'm going to anyway. Maybe it will help.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...blah. Ok. Just kidding. I can't.

It's time.

This past summer has been one of transition for me, and the shift has not been an easy one. I've neglected things I should've focused on, gone down paths I never even should've looked at, and completely missed out on some very essential moments. (Oh, and developed a nervous disorder that completely rules my life. Stupid.)

But I feel it's time to grow up.

In doing some good, old-fashioned soul-searching, I realized that I've been clinging to my childhood---my irresponsible teenage years.
I wanted to stay in my groove, wanted to go to Neverland with Peter Pan, wanted to live in my past me.
The age groups I started hanging out with got younger and younger, the choices I made got more immature and more immature, my self-confidence zones got smaller and smaller, and I became more and more recalcitrant.
My family got ticked at me more often, my friends wondered what was wrong with me, and my sisters---two of the best women on God's green earth--started distrusting my choices of friends, music, clothing, and tastes.

Several of my friends, such as Beatrice, have been the type to become old before their time, grasping at small indications of their great maturity and advancement in life and clinging to them as reassurances of what was to come (much to my puerile annoyance and disgust).
I've never really longed for grownup things. I've always been happy to be the age I am. To enjoy each age as it comes to me and to be in the Now.
But now I understand. Not necessarily the desire to be older, to be included in "the older kids'" activities, or to wear clothes that assure people of my mature age. But I understand why. And I agree with that view, more than with the one I've held up till now.

I've slowly begun to realize that it's all got to change, and that the only thing that has been holding me back is fear--fear of change.
My own incapability and unpreparedness for age and all the responsibilities that come with it has been my only excuse. And it's a poor one. If I never attempt to step out into the next stage on my own, I'll never improve or overcome my incapability.

I want to grow up gracefully, though, like Brooke Premo. I don't want to lose life in my Life or stand with the over-old youths. I want to keep my childish zest, but add compassion, generosity, responsibility, wisdom, self-discipline, and discretion to it so that I may grow to be like the many good examples I have before me---my parents, my grandparents...actually, I don't think I'm going to start that list. It's much too long to finish.




Maybe it's the New Year approaching. Maybe it's the fact that I'll be 18 in a few weeks. Maybe it was the jolt I got 2 weeks ago.

But whatever it is...it hasn't come too soon.

I'm going to grow up now.

Am I scared? Very.
Do I think I'll make it? With God's help.
Will it hurt? Heck, yes.

Busy Backson.

Not promising anything, but this is probably the last post I'll be able to write until at least the 11th, probably later even than that. It's my last day of school, but I still have one final after that. We'll see how long it takes for me to get back here.

I know I've been ignoring this poor blog that has served me so well, but I've been a crazy woman the past few weeks. Maybe I'll find my brain eventually.

I miss you people!